Use the good stuff

Yesterday was Mother's day, which always makes me think of my own Mother. She's been going for almost 8 years now. And while I do get sad (sometimes really sad) when I think of what she's missing out on, I have remind myself that that's now life works. We live. We die. And what is in between is the good stuff.

I wanted to do brunch for mother's day, so my husband treated me to quite a nice restaurant where I had two  pomegranate mimosas (they were so good). So for dinner we decided to have a low key meal at home... turkey burgers and sweet potato fries. I cracked open a bottle of wine and before I could pour the wine, I decided to open a box of waterford crystal glasses that were a wedding present. I had not used these beautiful glasses in the 4 years we've been married. So, we had wine (in amazing glasses) with turkey burgers and thought about how special that was. 

I'm going to use those glasses a lot more and make ordinary days, ordinary dinners, a lot more special.

BREATHE!

Someone asked me the other day how I deal with the nonsense regarding the ex and stay sane. For one I accept that the whole ex/new wife situation is awkward.

There’s a person in this world that can’t stand me. Not because I stole her man or wronged her, but because I married my husband and think he’s an incredible man. Sometimes when you’re a step-Mom there’s a bit of competition. Maybe the kid likes you too much, not enough or just can’t stand you. Maybe the kid loves the step more than the Mom or (the norm) the other way around. There always seems to be this element of competition. I know that many 1^st wives revel in the fact that their kid can’t stand the ex. I get it, you’re the Mom and they should love you above all, just like you love your kid above all. But let me tell you, all of that drama is exhausting! And if we all spent less time worrying about other people maybe we would all be a little bit happier.

Let me tell you a little secret about my relationship with my husband ex… we don’t have one and I don’t care. There you go, I said it. Call me mean. We’ve tried to be civil and it really doesn’t seem to work… to the point that she won’t even respond to a text message from me if I send her something relevant to my step son. So, someone throw the flag; call the game, do whatever… we don’t get along and I really could care less. She’s not someone I worry about impressing or want to have in my life. Here’s what I do care about: my kids … yes, that’s plural. I have 2 kids: my son and my stepson. And when my stepson is upset because of drama or nonsense coming from the general direction of his mother, I get upset. And when my husband is upset of drama or nonsense coming from the general direction of his ex, I get upset.

So, how do I deal? BREATHE! Go take a walk, take deep breaths, clear your head, do some yoga (though it doesn’t seem to help me when I’m pissed), and remind yourself what the important things are in life. Your kids, your husband, family, good friends that make you laugh. Those are the things worth getting your blood pressure up, not the drama.

When you feel yourself start to get all kinds up upset about something that isn’t on that important list… BREATHE!  And if that doesn’t work have a glass of wine.

I Guess That Makes 2 Of Us Mama Bears

Motherhood is a trip. I really thought I would be this cool, laid back Mom. I would be the Mom that all of the kids wanted and could talk to about stuff. Then my son was born…

About a month after he was born I had a realization.  NO ONE on this earth will love my son as much as I do. I’m not talking about romantic love, that’s a different type of love. I’m talking about wanting the best for my son, wanting him to have a good life and protecting him at all costs. I love that guy so much that I will watch Chuggington for the millionth time and sing the damn song because it makes him happy. Once I understood what a responsibility parenthood really is and what my job really entails, the laid back Mama turned into Mama Bear-Mama.

One thing I can say about my mother is that she had gumption. No one walked all over her. And, especially, no one talked about, dealt with or was otherwise involved with her kids without her getting into their business. 

I remember when I was in highschool, in order to avoid the abject humiliation of gym class (and showering with strangers) I signed up for Track. But, I can’t run… seriously I’m 5’1”. How fast can my little legs go?  So, I decided to do shot put and discus. It was easy… and I got out of gym. 

I remember one day at a track meet, my Mom tried to explain to our coach, a short chubby red haired, red bearded, big-lug of a guy, that mathematically speaking, he was teaching to throw the disc wrong. At that trajectory, the thing would never take off. Did I mention my smarty Mom had a degree in math?  The coach was offended and I was embarrassed, though secretly I thought it was awesome that my Mom showed him up. But now I look back and understand her as a mother. Someone wasn’t teaching her daughter how to be the best and she sure as hell would do it if he wasn’t going to.

I just dealt with an ENT who was a real horses ass. Mama Bear came out and decided to get a 2nd opinion. I got on the phone, made an appointment with the pediatrician (whom I love) and got some more information. I figured out the doctor WAS a horses ass, and probably suggested surgery to pay for his boat slip this summer or something like that. I felt really justified in my over protective behavior. I know where I learned it from...  my own Mama Bear.

How to Deal With a Narcissist

Recently, I read an article on divorcing a narcissist and, of course, it made me think about my husband’s ex. According the Mayo Clinic website the definition for a narcissist is the following:

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

I read this and thought it was on par with HER personality and what we’ve been putting up with. I also have some advice of my own that might be helpful to someone in my own position.

1)      Do not engage. 

        This advice was given to me by a co-worker who had just gone through a divorce with a real jerk. Her thought was that certain people really get their jollies (as my mother would say) from getting people who are on their S*** list all worked up. What really bothers these people is if you don’t engage them… at all. Just act like nothing bothers you. Whenever my husband’s ex is being a particularly big pill, at the end of the conversation I will say “you have a good day, now”. You can hear the steam rising from her head.

2)      You. Will. Never. Win. 

        I’m not talking about winning the legal battle or winning the “good fight”. I’m talking about winning the argument and getting them to shut up … about anything. You are inferior, they are superior. You are an idiot, they are a genius. One of the funnier things I’ve had to deal with in regards to my husband’s ex is her ego. She will always say “YOU need to pick him up because I have to work. I’m working ALL DAY.” (a) all day… wow, that’s rough. (b) we all work, get over it. (c) I have a master’s degree and work in finance. She has a highschool diploma (maybe) and sells makeup at Macy’s yet her schedule is more important in her eyes… always. There’s no winning that fight. Just try to agree on a time to do the pickup and move on.

3)      Even if they say it's about the kids, it’s never about the kids. 

         It's about them and what they want... Revenge, feeling superior, whatever their messed up psyche desires.

4)      It will never get better.

I remember the time and place when I realized that the situation with my husband's ex will never de-escalate. We were in family therapy and I was particularly annoyed that day. I was “sharing” and just blurted out “it will never get any better. We will be at Jay’s wedding and still have to deal with her badmouthing. Jay will have kids and have to deal with HER trying to alienate the grandkids from us. Her appetite for revenge of some sort will never subside. It will never improve.” I remember feeling so helpless thinking that this crazy person will have a place in my life… always.

5)     Find a way to let it go.

        This is a tough one. Just today I found myself engaging this person who has Jay 9 months out of the year and told that he needs 10 extra days to “prepare for a flight” to see her family. A 10 year old needs 10 day to prepare for a flight? I engaged her and told her that was ridiculous… I set her off into a texting tirade. I should have known better than to tell her that her excuses were ridiculous.

6)      Build a loving home where your values rule.

I found an article last year that talks about how to deal with the child choosing the other family. From the circumstances of the article, it sounded like the child was being trained to alienate the other parent (been there, done that) and how to deal with the aftermath. When you are dealing with a narcissist, the kid is being trained to hate you. And many times, the kid sides with the narcissist because they present themselves as the victim of the scenario. They are so crazy... uh, I mean, persuasive, that you would think that they have to be right. They seem to know what they are talking about right? 

If you are dealing with a narcissist, I'm sorry. Try to remain calm, sane and remember that as much as you want to tell this person to go F themselves, your stepchild will hear it or read it and that will only be used as amo to prove you're the a-hole and the ex is the martyr. As the kids get older, you will have to deal with the other party less and this other person will be less of a thorn in your side. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Save the whales and the rainforest, and don’t use any plastic and …

I packed my lunch for today, as I do for every day that I’m at work (because I’m cheap and don’t want to pay 10 bucks for a mediocre sandwich from the cafeteria). I was on my way to the kitchen where I was going to add hot water to my organic oatmeal (with organic raspberries, to boot) when a co-worker stopped me to talk. I was chatting with her when she explained to me that cooking in plastic is toxic. The chemicals from the plastic get into your food and slowly kill you. 

Here I am minding my own business, eating my organic oatmeal and berries, and I get a lecture about PLASTIC. I told her that glass just isn’t practical for bringing in my lunch. Honestly I would have to buy a whole new set of glass containers and then what would I do with the plastic stuff that I have? Recycle it, I guess, so someone else can buy plastic containers for their lunch. I digress, my co-workers told me she found some great glass containers at Costco and will bring some in for me. She explained how I can transfer my food from the plastic container that I brought from home to the glass container that I can use to microwave my lunch. I didn’t want to tell her that doubles the amount of dishes that I do for each lunch. I do enough dishes… why do I want to create more work for myself?

I swear, I can’t join every cause! I’m eating organic, non-processed food, but that isn’t enough. I need to use glass only and save the rainforest and whales while I’m doing it, too. Sheesh…

What's wrong with my $5 t-shirt?

As I sat and rocked my whiny, hot, sweaty, sniffling, snotty, coughing 2 1/2 year old, I had a moment of clarity.

Last weekend I went to a CABi show. If you haven't heard of CABi, well, it's like a clothing equivalent to tupperware parties. You go to someones house where they buy you clothes. It's nice in theory to have the shopping come to you. The clothes are cute... but pricey, too. They also have lots of white tops and flowing blouses. People always ooo and ahhh over the white blouses. I always think of the amount of minutes it would take for myself or my child to wreck that 50 buck shirt.

I did buy a blouse. Hey, I like to dress cute. But, whenever I wear something expensive and hand washable I take it off the moment I get home. I put on one of my clearance wrack Eddie Bauer outlet t-shirts.

I started doing this when Baby C was born, simply because spit up and silk don't go together. But, what I hadn't expected was that I would continue this practice. I remembered why I wear cheap 5 buck t-shirts and was thankful today.

Baby C is sick with a cold. I put him down for a nap and he woke up 30 minutes later. He soaked his diaper, pants and was hot. By the time I changed his pull-up and pants he was still sobbing. After 30 mins of rocking him in the rocking chair, he was still whiny and ... well... not asleep.

I decided that he needed sleep more than anything and went to get him some tylenol. He was still sobbing and spit it out all over me. I was thankful for my 5 buck shirt, that will never be the same after grape tylenol, I'm sure.

So, is it cheap-ness... I mean, frugal-ness or brilliance that I wear 5 buck t-shirts around the house on any given day? Of course, I prefer to think of it as brilliance, but that's just me.

Did your kid just sneeze on my kid?

In case you didn't the memo ... people in general are jerks. (I would use another choice word, but I'm trying really hard to be PG here.... Is "turd" officially a bad word?...I digress)

Evidence of this can be seen at daycares all across the nation. One of the things that has always driven me insane with daycare is the jerky people (and when I say jerky people it's mostly super skinny bitchy Mom's) that drop their kids off sick. Yes, you have to work (uhhh... so do the rest of us... which is why we ... uhh.... have JOBS?). 

But, what happens is that these jerky types drop their kids off to infect everyone at daycare. I, on the other hand, understand that if my kid is sick, he should be hanging at home with me, resting on couch, eating soup. I try not to be a jerk and expect other people to be responsible for my kid... just a little pet peeve of mine that I like to call "being responsible". 

Two weeks ago Baby C had weird virus involving a fever and a rash. He stayed home all week with either myself or my husband so he could get better. I called the daycare and found out that literally his entire pre-school class was sick with the stomach flu. Half of the kids were home sick and the other half were throwing up at the daycare. (Can you imagine 5 kids throwing up at the same time?... I shudder.) What's amazing to me is that when some of these parents were called to come get their kid they just said "I can't get off of work". You can't leave work? But you can let someone else clean up your kid's throw up? Which option is more of an inconvenience?

Everyone has to work at some point in time in some way, shape or form, so cry me a river that your kid is sick. Your sick kid is getting everyone else's kid sick. I get that you have to work, but I also get that you have sick days that you can use for a sick kid.  

I'm thinking about this today as I'm laying in bed with my son, watching "Go, Diego, Go!" for the millionth time on netflix. He has a cold today so I decided to keep him home from daycare today. I consider that my contribution to society today... You're welcome.